then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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