My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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