note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
