I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
