Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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