1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
