im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize