Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
