Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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