you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
