I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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