how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she looked like the before picture.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
