Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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