so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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