when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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