last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
