I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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