Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
