Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize