He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
