so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
