Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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