i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
