Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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