He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
