I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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