Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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