batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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