I could have mohawked her pubes.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
