I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
