I swear she didn't look like that last week.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
