Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
