i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
