I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
