Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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