He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
