Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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