nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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