You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize