just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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