Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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