The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
