The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
