my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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