i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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