i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
