we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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