uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
