i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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