the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
