He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
