He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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