Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i drank out of a bidet.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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