I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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