In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
