Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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