i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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