I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
