My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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