people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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