my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
