I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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